Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Dallas Star: Jaromir Jagr

by Todd Maternowski

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Sharp-eyed Stars fans may have noticed a plucky new right winger on the first line this season.

Good morning hockey fans! Last week we took a bold stand on whether the Dallas Stars could make the playoffs and stuck to our guns. This week, rather than focus on the cult classic Alex Goligoski's Day Off, we're going to introduce talent-starved Stars fans to one of our newest (to the Stars, not to the Earth) additions, Jaromir Jagr.

Name: Jaromir Jagr

Born In: Kladno, Czechoslovakia

Is an Infallible Golden God in: Kladno, Czechoslovakia

Height: 6-foot-3

Weight: 233

90s Mullet: 28 inches long, 10 inches wide

Acceptable Nicknames: Jagrmeister, Jags, The Beast From the East, Czech Please, The Defenestrator, the Unstoppable Jagrnaut, The Golem of Prague

Unacceptable Nicknames: Uncle Tom

Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: Putting up four points in his Stars debut.

Nicest Comparison: The Czech Bo Jackson

Meanest Comparison: Hodor

Strengths: Strong on his skates, puck handling ability in tight spaces, timely goals, on-ice vision.

Weaknesses: Was born before electricity was invented.

Better Than Adam Burish in 2013?: Yes

Who Wants Him: Women, Flyers fans

Who Wants to Be Him: Jamie Benn, hopefully

Preferred DnD Character: Half-Orc Rogue/Blackguard

Least Similar Game of Thrones Character: Theon Greyjoy, unless you're a Pens or Flyers fan

Looks Eerily Similar To: Andre the Giant

Looks Eerily Nothing Like: Andre Agassi

Career Goals: To score all the goals. And after that, all the assists.

Worst Fear: A return to Hapsburg rule

Thing He Does Better Than You: Hockey

If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: Velkopopovický Kozel

Alternate Universe Career: Obi-Wan

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