The X List: 10 reasons why Pope Benedict XVI resigned

by Todd Maternowski

#11: Was only trying out this whole "religion" thing to get his folks off his back; finally decided to go get his degree in sports marketing.

With yesterday's earth-shattering announcement that he will retire at the end of this month, Pope Benedict XVI had fueled a wave of speculation on the real reason he resigned. While the official line from the Vatican is that an 85 year old is "too old," we at Pegasus used our contacts on the inside and found out these 10 reasons why the Pope stepped down.

The choice of successor is clear.

#1: Despite repeated pleas to God, he never got the sweet Papal Pecs or Gluteus Sanctimus he needed to perform his duties.

#2: The Popemobile's radio only got AM stations, and the cassette tape still had JP2's Captain and Tennille Greatest Hits Vol. 3 mixtape stuck in it.

#3: Too much pressure from progressive cardinals to become the world's first black lesbian female Pope.

#4: Originally agreed to run Paypal, not this fruity made-up bulls**t.

#5: Cardinal Vader tossed him into the Vatican's reactor core.

#6: Angry that he had been left off People's "Top 50 Papal Superhunks" for eighth straight year.

#7: Wanted to change his pontifical name to Pope Optimus Primus I, was told he would have to resign and then re-up with a fake mustache and a Canadian accent to do that.

#8: Was angry that Dan Wilson, 35, of Appleton, Wisconsin once used a condom despite claiming to be Catholic: decided he "would show him."

#9: Vatican City a total sausage-fest; much better bros-to-hoes ratio in a convent.

#10: Tired of Vatican's tailor ignoring his repeated requests to make the Papal hat "so tall and so pointy that it'll slit open God's gooch."