Tuesday, February 26, 2013
The X List: 8 real reasons why Dennis Rodman is in North Korea
North Korean military officials hope to use him to revitalize their elbow-throwing program.
Former Dallas Maverick and guy who married himself Dennis Rodman set the international diplomacy bar a little higher today with a just-announced trip to North Korea. We're no strangers to our future masters in Pyongyang here; but was are the real reasons Rodman is there? Here are eight of Rodman's Great Three A1 Happy Patriot Gringo covert operations.
#1: Plans to destroy the North Korean basketball program by giving them tips on how to shoot three-pointers.
#2: Kim Jong Un needs to show his starving people that he is the tallest human being on the planet; invited Rodman over just to tower over his weak and puny American frame.
#3: Rodman wanted to get him one of those famous tattoos of food that officially qualify as nutrition.
#4: Is a supervillain; scouting locations for evil lair.
#5: Plans to secretly distribute flyers showing a naked Shaquille O'Neal lying seductively on a table covered in steaks with the words "This Average American has set a place for YOU at his dinner table! Join the Resistance NOW!"
#6: Needed a captive audience for his one-man show, in which he defecates on an Alonzo Mourning jersey and tells amusing anecdotes about all those times he saw Mark Cuban mauling porpoises.
#7: Figures his only chance at reviving his NBA career is to threaten to nuke one American city for every general manager that turns him down; Russia's rogue nukes all already claimed by the Mormons.
#8: Just needed someplace quiet to get away from it all -- "it all" meaning food and electricity.