The X List: 8 real reasons why Dennis Rodman is in North Korea

North Korean military officials hope to use him to revitalize their elbow-throwing program.

Former Dallas Maverick and guy who married himself Dennis Rodman set the international diplomacy bar a little higher today with a just-announced trip to North Korea. We're no strangers to our future masters in Pyongyang here; but was are the real reasons Rodman is there? Here are eight of Rodman's Great Three A1 Happy Patriot Gringo covert operations.

Rodman hopes to recreate the magic he hasn't felt since his wedding night.

#1: Plans to destroy the North Korean basketball program by giving them tips on how to shoot three-pointers.

#2: Kim Jong Un needs to show his starving people that he is the tallest human being on the planet; invited Rodman over just to tower over his weak and puny American frame.

#3: Rodman wanted to get him one of those famous tattoos of food that officially qualify as nutrition.

#4: Is a supervillain; scouting locations for evil lair.

#5: Plans to secretly distribute flyers showing a naked Shaquille O'Neal lying seductively on a table covered in steaks with the words "This Average American has set a place for YOU at his dinner table! Join the Resistance NOW!"

#6: Needed a captive audience for his one-man show, in which he defecates on an Alonzo Mourning jersey and tells amusing anecdotes about all those times he saw Mark Cuban mauling porpoises.

#7: Figures his only chance at reviving his NBA career is to threaten to nuke one American city for every general manager that turns him down; Russia's rogue nukes all already claimed by the Mormons.

#8: Just needed someplace quiet to get away from it all -- "it all" meaning food and electricity.