Poll: How will J.R. Ewing die in Dallas?

by Joy Tipping

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One idea: We never find out. The slogan "Who shot J.R.?" could live on forever.

We’ve all been dreading it, but it’s almost here: the death of beloved, villainous, mischievous and — yes, we’ll say it — still-sexy-in-his-80s J.R. Ewing on TNT’s Dallas. When actor Larry Hagman (still-sexy-in-his-80s, even when not being J.R.) died here in November, we knew it was only a matter of time before we had to bid adieu to J.R., as well. Re-casting J.R. would have resulted in another Texas Revolution.

He’ll perhaps die in next week’s episode, “The Furious and the Fast,” but certainly by the funeral episode, titled “J.R.’s Masterpiece,” on March 11. According to a TNT press release, even in death, J.R. still has surprises up his sleeve. The Ewing tears “are soon overpowered by a shocking revelation of one of television’s most iconic characters. In life — and now in death — nothing is ever as it seems when it comes to J.R. Ewing.”

My guess: His will will reveal yet another Ewing son — an heir to challenge John Ross, and it might just be Drew Ramos (Kuno Becker), Elena’s brother (both are the son of the longtime Ewing housekeeper, Carmen, played by Marlene Forte). Why should California’s governator be the only one to have an affair with the housekeeper and produce a son?

The first six episodes of this season of Dallas are available for online viewing, and the seventh (March 4) episode will go up online on March 5. The show airs locally at 8 p.m. on TNT. The March 4 episode will feature a car race at Texas Motor Speedway between J.R.’s son, John Ross (Josh Henderson) and nephew Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe). It’s winner-take-all, for a lucrative methane contract. TV Guide says that the March 4 show will also feature the return of Gary Ewing (Ted Shackleford) and the revelation that J.R. is behind the disappearance of Chris’ mother, the original Pamela (Victoria Principal, who we would very much like to see on the show again). Whether that’s the same big reveal that TNT is talking about, who knows?

Meanwhile, we have some theories about how J.R. might die, and we’d like to hear yours, as well. Keep in mind, since Hagman had already died before we knew J.R. would, we won’t be able to actually SEE the death, at least not up-close.

My ideas:

John Ross and Christopher will have a spectacular crash during the race, with both cars plunging into the Ewing section of the stands. We later learn that J.R. was killed, but no one can tell which car actually hit him, setting up years of “You killed him!” “No, YOU killed him” between John Ross and Christopher.

J.R. falls into an empty well hole on Southfork, left unplugged when Bobby forced John Ross to stop drilling on the land, setting up years of guilt-filled angst for poor Bobby (Patrick Ewing).

My arch-cubicle-rival Nancy Churnin’s ideas (we disagree on everything except that we love to disagree on everything):

Pamela Barnes (Julie Gonzalo) does it: We already know she’s a killer (she killed Tommy) and a double-crosser (reneged on her deal to give Ewing Energies shares to John Ross) and she’ll do anything to please Daddy (Cliff Barnes). This would be the unforgivable thing that would cement the feud between the Barneses and the Ewings for the new generation. Key is that no one will be able to prove it in a court of law because we need to maintain her as an ongoing villain.

Cliff Barnes: The old feud comes to its natural conclusion. It’s payback to J.R. for years of hatred, for Frank’s betrayal and death, and for trying to take his daughter down. Plus, if Cliff pays for his crime, that puts Pamela firmly into the position of CEO of the Barnes empire, locked and loaded to go against the next generation of Ewings.

Jeannie: Our favorite genie comes back and whisks him into her bottle. We can dream, can’t we? (Joy’s note: I have to admit, I love this one the best. Wish I’d thought of it.)

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