Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The X List: Top 10 offseason moves for the 2013 Dallas Cowboys
#11: Stop sucking.
With another highly-entertaining-yet-wasted season in the books, it's time for the Dallas Cowboys to slap each other on the back while offering hearty congratulations. But believe it or not, there are some areas in which this team could improve for next season. Here are the top 10 offseason moves to ensure the 2013 Dallas Cowboys go 16-0 and win all the football.
#1: As a promotional tie-in, have Jerry Jones personally deliver overpriced pizzas to the crack dens of South Grand Prairie.
#2: Have a top team of scientists pour colored fluids from one beaker into another until they can come up with 8-12 fresh, bold new excuses for next season.
#3: Remind themselves that, even though they may be 8-8, there are plenty of far less fortunate people in the world who might not see eight wins, even over the course of a decade. Like Cleveland.
#4: Trade our next 37 years of draft picks for Randy Moss and Wes Welker.
#5: Fire Jason Garrett and replace him with a weak-willed yes man who has erotic reactions to four-yard checkdown passes, has never called more than 14 runs in a single game and has the game-clock management skills of a hobo with a head injury.
#5a: Check in and see what's up with Andy Reid/Norv Turner/Chan Gailey/Tony Sparano/Romeo Crennel these days.
#6: Continue to draft the very best talent the Lingerie Football League has to offer to shore up that offensive line.
#7: Explain to DeMarcus Ware that he can tackle running backs too.
#8: Lure the enemy into a false sense of complacency by forcing DeMarco Murray to wear a pink princess tutu on running downs.
#9: Dump half a million gallons of HGH into Dallas' water supply.
#10: Do nothing. This team is just a win away from the playoffs, baby!! YEEEEHAW!!