Tuesday, January 8, 2013
The X List: 10 fun facts about the Alabama Crimson Tide
In related news, Notre Dame's defensive line was publicly excommunicated earlier this morning.
With Alabama's shocking 42-14 upset of traditional NCAA powerhouse Notre Dame last night, the Crimson Tide can no longer fly under the nation's radar. "Who are these gentle giants, these Southern-Fried Balrogs, these El Caminos of Men?" you may be asking, as Birmingham's finest ER surgeons remove glass shards of Olde English 800 from that nasty head wound. Fortunately for you and the rest of your group that claimed Bear Bryant was a disco-skatin' ladyboy, we've compiled a list of Fun Facts that should clear the fog of misinformation surrounding this proud football tradition. Here are 10 fun facts about the Alabama Crimson Tide.
#1: Nick Saban is the most powerful man in Alabama. The second most powerful man is that guy who sells replacement fingers out of the back of his van on July 5th.
#2: The team name was changed to the Crimson Tide after the original name, the Alabama Rainbow Fab, tested poorly with focus groups at a local Stuckey's.
#3: Bryant-Denny Stadium, with a capacity of 101,821, is the seventh largest sports stadium in the world and fifth-largest Denny's in the greater Tuscaloosa area.
#4: The football teams' first-ever game in 1892 was a 56-0 romp over a bunch of unorganized Birmingham high schoolers, forever setting the school's standard of class and sportsmanship.
#5: The school's main rival, Auburn, would like to know if you're going to eat that.
#6: The school's official war cry is "Roll Tide," which is also a helpful reminder for students that in the likely case they come across a comatose Alabama player, to "roll" him over onto his stomach to prevent him from choking.
#7: Due to past recruiting violations, Alabama no longer gives recruits suitcases full of cash. Instead, they give them 20-year-old Palomino Pumas full of strip club coupons and toothpaste.
#8: Nick Saban's $32 million, 8 year contract makes him the ninth-richest man in Alabama history. The other eight all work at this one guy's cousin's meth lab outside of Clanton.
#9: "Roll Tide" serves the same linguistic function as "Aloha" in Hawaiian, in that it can simultaneously mean "Hello!," "Goodbye!," "Conversation!" and "I don't know if it's the dumpster smell talkin', Aunt Mom, but you sure do look purty in that leopardskin John Cena halter top with the Natty Ice stains on it."
#10: Winning the national championship only proves that, once again, Alabama is the best state in the world. You should totally move there.