Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The X List: 10 ways Frisco could be even friendlier
Sorry, Prosper. Your time is done.
The most hotly-anticipated list of the decade is in -- the eight friendliest towns in America -- and Frisco just barely made the cut. Sure, some internet list apologists will offer their feeble, empty "congrats" to the Welcome Mat of the Southwest, but we metroplexons know Frisco could do a lot better. Here are 10 ways Frisco can advance from 5th Loser to Friendliest Town in America.
#1: Demand that everyone entering city limits must take their shoes off, sit down a spell, stay a while.
#2: Occasionally invite filthy, disgusting Planoites to their weekly wife-swapping parties.
#3: Finally getting around to changing their official city motto, "You Can Mess With Texas, But Don't F**k With Frisco."
#4: Make the elementary schools 94% friendlier with their new Hugs from the Homeless program.
#5: Paying the Allen mafia to make sure the towns of Westerville, Ohio, and Seal Beach, California, have a little "accident."
#6: Increase area patriotism by 17% during the Fourth of July festival by paying $10,000 per scalp of anyone with a British accent.
#7: Have all the Neighborhood Watch groups slug it out at Dr Pepper Ballpark until just one is left alive: for these will be the legendary Chosen Ones, heralded throughout the land for their bravery and cunning.
#8: Equip all police vehicles with melanin-sucking funnels. The funnels will also have a "reverse" switch that blows poor people into Little Elm.
#9: Line the walls of the community center with the bones of any Friscan who was ever rude to an outsider at one of Frisco's mandatory pancake breakfasts.
#10: Tell Steve to leave. God, that guy is a d*ck.