Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The X List: 14 worst pieces of advice from Dear Abby
#15: Never take off your clothes at a baptism.
With the recent passing of Dear Abby, a.k.a. "Pauline Phillips," it's time to take a look back at the greatest advice columnist in our nation's history (sorry, Sir Mix-a-Lot!). In the past 57 years, Dear Abby has offered trillions of pieces of thoughtful advice that made perfect sense. Here are the top 14 exceptions.
#1: Eating yellow snow will make you a tiger in the sack!
#2: When life gives you lemons, you throw that sour piece of s**t on the god***n ground and go join the Dark Side.
#3: One more beer never hurt anybody.
#4: There are plenty of fish in the sea: If that giant squid won't return your amourous advances, try a propositioning a grouper or making love to a stingway instead.
#5: People who live in glass houses should put up highly visible machine gun turret nests before they throw stones.
#6: Everything will work out in the end, specifically, about 10 seconds into the wild party everyone's having at your funeral.
#7: You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, plus now you have extra vinegar for all those delicious flies.
#8: When choosing a theme for your preschooler's birthday party, remember: Everything you've ever known is a lie.
#9: Just ignore the police and they'll eventually go away.
#10: Every cloud has a silver lining, so the next time you're up there in a 737, just grab an icepick and start going to town on that s**t.
#11: Don't count your chickens until they've hatched because one might end up being the Chicken AntiChrist.
#12: When in doubt, stuff it in your mouth.
#13: Any friend of bin Laden is a friend of mine.
#14: Don't bite the hand that feeds you unless they've still got a big bag of food and you're still hungry, in which case, go straight for the throat.