Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The X List: Top 10 plot twists in the sequel to The Bible
#11: After the resurrection, Jesus heads off alone to the Garden of Eden, where he invents semiautomatic weapons, abolishes the capital gains tax, and founds the United States of America ... after changing his name to George Washington Bush.
With the History Channel's recent announcement that they're producing a sequel to their top-rated hit series The Bible, speculation has run rampant as to how they will build on the success of the first season. Here are 10 of the best ideas being floated in the History Channel's scriptwriting sweatshops.
#1: Jesus is resurrected after the third day -- only to find out that Ba'al and Moloch are... his gay fathers.
#2: Zany shenanigans ensue when Christ promises to take Mary Magdaline to the public stoning later that night -- only to remember at the last minute that he already promised to take the town prostitute! Can the Son of Man find his way out of this wacky pickle?
#3: Following the crucifixion, the camera does a close up on Judas as he walks away smiling -- only to reveal that Judas had been playing the long con and was the Son of God all along! "Judas" then takes his 30 pieces of silver and builds a rec center to keep the kids off the streets.
#4: Fresh from the grave, Jesus vows revenge on Pontius Pilate -- the man who put him to death. Armed with nothing but the nails in his hands, Jesus must work fast to catch his killer -- before Pontius strikes again.
#5: In the New Testament's gritty prequel reboot, Jesus is a troubled teenager trying to come to grips with his power of omnipotence. After accidentally setting a barn on fire, the Son of Man runs away from Galilee and teams up with his Samaritan sidekick, Pedro "El Bueno" Gomez. Together Christ and Pedro travel throughout the Fertile Crescent, solving mysteries.
#6: Just after all of creation is destroyed at the end of the Book of Revelations, Yahweh wakes up in a cold sweat, looks around at the universe and realizes that it was alll a dreeeeeaaam.
#7: Following their epic karate duel in the desert, Jesus discovers that he and Lucifer are actually long-lost twin brothers. Finally having found the family they never knew they had, the two team up to travel throughout the Roman Empire, fighting injustice.
#8: In a Very Special Episode of the Bible, Jesus sits down with his apostles and "raps" with them about the very real dangers of transubstantiation.
#9: After Mary tells Jesus and his stinky friends to "move out," Christ is suddenly struck by amnesia when the Holy Spirit accidentally drops a bowling ball on his head ... 10 minutes before his big show on the Mount! Can Peter and the gang unscramble our Lord's head in time, or will one of the apostles -gulp!- have to put on a fake beard and give the sermon themselves?
#10: Meet God: a hard-nosed, no-nonsense sunuvab**ch with balls of granite who eats sinners and s**ts planets. Then there's Jesus, the charming and wisecracking scamp whose smile is as lethal as his fists. Finally, there's the Holy Spirit, an expert in metaphysical demolitions. Together they're the T Team, overcoming their differences to triumph over the machinations of the evil Doc Muhammed. Only on the History Channel.