Thursday, July 25, 2013
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The U.S. Olympic Men’s Hockey Application
Do you have what it takes to win Olympic gold?
Hola mi amigos de hockey. Last week we took a calm and collected look at just what to expect from new Stars GM Jim Nill's first moves. This week, rather than focus our unhealthy paranoia on which Stars got snubbed for the Olympics, we've used our Pulitzer-winning journalistic contacts and a year's worth of our salary to procure the actual application for the U.S. Olympic Men's Hockey team.
Later on we found out we could've just waited in line for it at 7-11 like everybody else, but hey are you going to eat that?
Nicknames You Didn't Invent Yourself: ______________
Any Known Allergy to Bronze?: Yes/No
Ever just straight-up socked a Canadian in his fat f***ing face? Of course/No
I mean, just really hauled off and let him have it, Uncle Sam-style? Oh heck yeah it was awesome/No
Explain how that felt. Use as much erotic imagery as you need:
Where were you born?: _________, _____________
Really? I heard that people born in __________,__________ are all ***s: Well, yeah, that's pretty much 100% accurate/Why don't you say that to my face
Would you like a piece of me? No/No, I want the whole thing
Take a swing at this sheet of paper. Write down the results:
Were you raised by God-fearing Americans? Yes/No
If you answered No, please tell us what your parents were afraid of: Ghosts/Black People/Sharks/God-Fearing Americans
How did you first find out about hockey?: Canadian kid at school/Smoking hot Russian supermodel girlfriend/Al Michaels
What was your initial impression of the sport?: Fast/Skilled/Needs more clutching and grabbing
When you first started out, what were your ultimate goals from playing hockey?: Gold Medal/Stanley Cup/Jennifer Love Hewitt
Now that you're between the ages of 18-41, what are your current ultimate hockey goals?: Gold Medal/Stanley Cup/Demi Lovato
Have you ever played in an Olympic Tournament before? Yes/No/Do the Special Olympics count?
If Yes, did you earn a medal?: Yes/No
If No, why not?: Canadian Refs/Russkie Refs/Swedish Refs
What was your fondest memory of Olympic camp?: Training with my heroes/Camaraderie with my fellow bros/Naked bobsledding with the Finnish women's speedskating team
If you could change one thing about your past Olympic experience(s), what would it be?: Playing harder in the medal round/listening more closely to my coaches' wisdom/Buying KY in bulk from Costco before heading out
Have you ever led the league in any statistical category?: Yes/No
I mean, besides secondary powerplay assists?: No/Of course not
Will you willingly lay down on the ice to block a shot?: Yes/No
If No, will you willingly use your physical strength to clear the crease?: Yes/No
If No, will you willingly chase the puck down the ice after your fifth turnover of the period?: Yes/No
If No, do you understand how 'defense' works, or what it even is?: Yes/No
If No, are you, in fact, Cam Fowler?: OMG How did you guess?/Yes
Please explain how your skills pay the bills:
What are your greatest strengths?: Grit/Determination/Leadership/Intangibles
What are your greatest weaknesses?: Shooting/Passing/Stickhandling/Defense
Thank you for your time in applying for this position. If your application is accepted, you will be contacted by one of David Poile's interns, who will mispronounce your last name and confuse you with his/her favorite member of One Direction. If you are not selected, we suggest wearing a wig and applying for the Slovakian U18 Girl's team. Good luck.