Thursday, June 13, 2013
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a New Star: Sergei Gonchar
In Soviet Russia, powerplay quarterbacks you! Much thanks, much thanks, enjoy the buffet.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we provided a sneak peek at some of the Stars' rejected new jersey ideas. This week, rather than bore you to tears talking about some dumb game that no one cares about, we're going to talk about a thrill-a-minute high-octane panty-melting roller-coaster of a topic: the Stars' third-pairing on defense.
You know, considering this signing and all.
Even after 20 years of pro hockey, surprisingly little is known about the guy. Fortunately we were able to make use of a bottle of tariff-free vodka and a forbidden Kazakh search engine to bring you this crucial information on the newest Star.
Name: Sergei Viktorovich Gonchar
Born In: Chelyabinsk, Russia
Chelyabinsk, Chelyabinsk... Why Does That Sound Familiar?: Perhaps because of this.
Seriously?: I know, right? Yes: he's that big.
Acceptable Nicknames: The Gonch, Goncher, the Fresh Prince of Chelyabinsk, The Scourge of the Kirgiz, Putintang
Unacceptable Nickname: Skidmark
Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: Using his sterling mentoring skills to turn Goligoski into the next Karlsson... in our minds
Nicest Comparison: The Next Sergei Zubov
Meanest Comparison: The Next Sergey Gusev
Strengths: Accurate shot, powerplay quarterbacking, passing ability
Better Than Philip Larsen in 2013-14?: Yes
Has Mentored: Malkin, Letang, Karlsson
And They Turned Out...?: Pretty good
Who Wants Him: Women, Flyers GMs
Who Wants to Be Him: Any highly-skilled forward who's ever dreamed about becoming an NHL defenseman.
Preferred DnD Character: High elven arcane archer
Least Similar Game of Thrones Character: The Hound
Looks Eerily Similar To: That cab driver that smoked filterless cigarettes and argued that red lights are just suggestions after 3 am.
Looks Eerily Nothing Like: Zangief
Career Goals: To squeeze as many millions out of gullible North American GMs as he can before retiring to his private steppe.
Worst Fear: To be "brought in for questioning"
Thing He Does Better Than You: Pass
If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: A porchcrawler
Alternate Universe Career: Either a country club tennis instructor or the Ghost of Stalingrad