Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Head Coach: Lindy Ruff
Lindy Ruff is our new coach. Uh, yay?
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we discussed why the Dallas Stars should just go ahead and hire AHL champ Jeff Blashill as their next head coach. This week, we hastily take back everything we ever said about how brand new Stars head coach Lindy Ruff is unfit to lead a team with serious aspirations on the Stanley Cup. We never meant a word, we pinky-swear!
Now that we've got that out of the way, it's time to roll up the sleeves on our strangely-pristine Derek Plante jerseys, apply some of that $49.99 Dallas Stars elbow grease we got from the gift shop and get to work. Lindy Ruff isn't going to second-guess himself, after all.
But before we can pronounce judgement on the man, we must first understand what inner demons make him tick. Here's an in-depth expose on the man we will be roundly criticizing for the next 14 years.
Name: Lindy Cameron Ruff
Born In: A small war-torn country in central Africa
Ever Killed a Man?: Someone needs to go check on our Ambassador of Fun, pronto
Acceptable Nicknames: Ruffster, Ruffman, El Lindo, Tha Ruffmonsta, Disturbance of the Crease, Ruff Around the Edges, The Hurtin' Albertan
Unacceptable Nickname: Belinda
Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: Defeating Jeff Blashill in single combat in Jim Nill's office.
Nicest Comparison: The Methuselah of Hockey
Meanest Comparison: The Marv Levy of Hockey
Strengths: Mad interview skillz, longevity
Weaknesses: Holding on to grudges, selective eyesight
Better Than Glen Gulutzan in 2013-14?: Slightly
Has Mentored: Thomas Vanek, Tyler Myers, Ryan Miller, Drew Stafford, Derek Roy, Jason Pominville, Brian Campbell
And They Turned Out...?: Not too shabbily
Who Wants Him: Women, Glen Sather in about 10 months
Who Wants to Be Him: Willie Desjardins, Jeff Blashill
Preferred DnD Character: Dwarven Defender
Least Similar Game of Thrones Character: Jeyne Westerling
Looks Eerily Similar To: Sergei Gonchar, my uncle Bob
Looks Eerily Nothing Like: Michael Jai White
Career Goals: To bring one single go**amn championship to the long-suffering city of Buffaaallas. Buffalas. Dallas. I meant Dallas.
Worst Fear: Ken Hitchcock giving birth to the love child of Brett Hull and Darcy Tucker
Thing He Does Better Than You: Yell at millionaires
If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: An already-opened Blatz in the back of your grandpa's basement fridge
Alternate Universe Career: A beautiful ballerina princess.