Saturday, May 25, 2013
Comedy recap: Raunchy Dustin Diamond sure isn’t squeaky Screech Powers anymore
We can't print anything he said in full at a recent Dallas show, so we made you a Mad Libs game so you can let your imagination soar.
DALLAS Far from the lovable, geeky teenager we knew as Screech in Saved by the Bell, Dustin Diamond’s standup act is not only foul-mouthed, it’s just plain foul. From disgusting descriptions of grandma porn to raunchy, R-rated sex jokes, Diamond is staying far away from his ‘90s television persona. The sold-out audience at Hyena’s in Dallas ate up his 45-minute act, with many crowd members roaring with laughter at jokes that made us blush.
For those who missed the filthy show, we captured some of the best (or worst) jokes from the evening for a raunchy Mad Libs version to enjoy at home.
No sign of Screech: How many people came out tonight specifically to relive some old Saved by the Bell memories? You guys are going to be really ______ (present participle) disappointed. I guarantee that at no point in this show will I be onstage with multi-colored pants up to my _______ (plural body part), nor will I be sporting a big _____ (adjective), forest ‘fro and talk about how cool Zack and Slater were. _____ (Verb) Zack and Slater.
The aches and pains of getting sweaty: Florida is so humid. Sweaty ____ (body part) is nothing — Florida is the number one area for that. There’s a reason why it looks like the ______ (body part) hanging off the U.S. Florida is the only place where you can be in a 5-star, air-conditioned Mickey Mouse hotel taking an ice cold shower, turn the water off, open up the curtain and take one step out and get swamp _____ (plural body part). _______ (Present participle) swamp ______ (plural body part)! I’m indoors!
Describing grandma pornography: Grandma porn really exists. Ladies, you’re beautiful, curvaceous, and beautiful to look at. I’m just sayin, there’s a certain age you get where you gotta admit to yourself that you can’t pose like a young woman anymore. These ladies on the Internet are old: 84, 90, 98. They’re _____ (adjective) with their _____ (plural noun) up over their head! They look like a pile of ____ (noun) in the corner. That _____ (noun) will give you nightmares.
Recapping a show with a feisty Jewish grandmother: I’m walking along the stage and there’s this Jewish grandma in the front row. She has the _____ (color) spray painted helmet hair and is _____ (verb) at me. I try to ignore her, but she just keeps _____ (verb). I lean over and say “What is it cutie pie?” She says, “You like _____ (type of food) do ya?” I’m thinking “Oh God, no! Dear Lord, not now! Maybe later, after some _____ (type of drink), but not now.” She said, “Dip it in some soup, you’ll be right as rain.”
Going too far in the bedroom: You ever had ____ (noun) with a girl on her ____ (noun) and pretend you’re _____ (verb) her? Just me? Awkward ... Shouldn’t have brought that up. Look, there are three reactions going on right now: All the girls are like “That’s disgusting!” all the single guys are like “That’s ____ (present participle) brutal!” and all the married guys are like “That’s right, ha, ha. Tonight.”
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