Thursday, October 10, 2013
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Sergei Gonchar Fun Facts!
What do you know about the Stars' latest Old Guy Free Agent? Probably next to nothing.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we offered a helpful guide to NHL Opening Day. This week, we're going to take a closer look at the Dallas Stars' brand-spankin-new powerplay quarterback Sergei Gonchar. Little is known about this dark and mysterious stranger from the Far East, so we at Pegasus decided to do a little basic journalism 101 on the guy. And what we found were Fun Facts!
Fun Fact #1: Gonchar once shot a man fer skatin' too loud.
Fun Fact #2: While not a particularly superstitious man, Gonchar nevertheless has performed the same pre-game routine for nearly 1200 NHL games. First he breaks into the local zoo, sets fire to the ape cage and makes love to the biggest alpha-male gorilla he can find. Then he walks into a McDonald's, slaps a plague rat on the counter and demands to use their deep fryer. After the usual quick scuffle with the police, he swallows a PCP capsule disguised as one of his molars, busts out of his handcuffs and kicks out the cruiser's back window. He then measures any new chest hair growth: if it's not at least half an inch longer then when he woke up, he repeats the process. Then, it's game time baby!
Fun Fact #3: Gonchar is the George Blanda of powerplay quarterbacks.
Fun Fact #4: Gonchar's childhood was not a typical one. The unholy offspring of a Ural Mountain cave wight and the Lost Tsarina of Smolensk, young Sergei was abducted and nearly eaten by Baba Yaga at the ripe age of zero. However, using his wiles and a godlike tolerance for undistilled vodka he was able to escape into the deepest forests of Siberia where, subsiding off meat from a herd of sabre-tusked wooly mammoths he killed with his bare hands, he grew into the well-adjusted, responsible adult he is today.
Fun Fact #5: Gonchar spent the entirety of the 2008-09 season stationed on Mir, controlling a hologram of himself on the ice using nothing more than 50s-era Soviet technology and good old fashioned telepathy.
Fun Fact #6: Gonchar's fondest memory from his youth was when he had the Kaiser himself lined up in his rifle sights, took a shot and caused the Kaiser's helmet to spin comically atop the old German's head. Impressed by his marksmanship, the Germans surrendered two days later.
Fun Fact #7: Gonchar once decked the Dalai Lama right smack in his smug little face.
Fun Fact #8: Gonchar's nickname, 'The Minotaur,' comes not from his rugged good looks or his sexual prowess, but rather from his uncanny ability to kill Greek teenagers.
Fun Fact #9: After winning the Stanley Cup in 2009, Gonchar showed up at the White House wearing a sombrero, because he thought that all of North America was ruled by the taco-flavored fist of El Guapo.
Fun Fact #10: Sergei Gonchar doesn't celebrate Halloween-- he lives it every godd**ned day of his life.