Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The X List: Obama’s 9 best options for Syria
#10: Lining up the crew of the U.S.S. Nimitz and mooning the Syrian coast.
Following an alleged chemical attack on his own citizens last month, embattled Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seems to have finally pushed America into his civil war. While U.S. intervention seems inevitable, no one knows exactly what that intervention will entail. Here are Obama's top nine options for dealing with Syria.
#1: Do nothing; let plate tectonics push Syria into the sea sometime within the next 400 million years, proving conclusively that both sides' Gods are powerless frauds that wouldn't lift one imaginary finger to help the suckas that kill in their pretend made-up names.
#2: Convince al-Assad to have his goons stop using chemical weapons and start using machetes like a respectable dictator.
#3: Hold a special press conference on al-Jazeera in which the president makes sweet love to a soiled Koran while dressed as the Prophet Mohammed, just to finally get all the various factions in Syria on the same page and make bombing easier.
#4: Discreetly lock an unsuspecting Vladimir Putin in a Kremlin bathroom, then pass a quick UN resolution against Syria while Putin helplessly bangs his fists against the stall doors.
#5: Have President Obama rip off his shirt on international television, slap his pecs at the camera and offer to "settle this, al-Assad, just you and me, mano-y-mano, on the rooftop of the Damascus Hilton. I'll see you there in 10 minutes, you sunuvabi**h."
#6: Secretly replace the Syrian government's "bad" chemicals with "good" ones, like oxygen, gold and icecreamium.
#7: Fly in every former Disney pop princess, American Idol "star," MTV reality show contestant and all three Kardashians into the thick of the shelling, giving them nothing but a camera crew and gold-plated pretend guns that can clearly be seen for 10 miles in every direction. Y'know, for ... military ... reasons.
#8: Give the rebels some of our own choice stock of chemical weapons, a satellite map of al-Assad's bunkers and an enthusiastic slap on the back while saying, "Go get 'em, tiger!"
#9: To even things up a little, teach the rebels in the ways of the Force.