Tuesday, September 24, 2013
The X List: 9 reasons for the Texas Rangers’ third straight epic collapse
If you had just worn your hat backwards like everyone else that one time, they wouldn't be in this mess.
ARLINGTON Despite being just a game out of the final wild card spot with six to play, all indications are that the Texas Rangers are el doneski and currently in the death throes of their third straight epic collapse. Here are nine reasons why.
#1: When they built the new Rangers Ballpark over that old Indian burial ground, they re-dug up the corpses, filled their mouths with Gino Petralli rookie cards and disposed of the bodies in the dumpster behind the Lost Kids processing plant where they make the two-foot-long Boomstick hot dogs.
#2: John Daniels had just come in third place in the Central Texas Competitive Bathsalts Challenge when Lance Berkman called him to see if he needed a towelboy.
#3: Nolan Ryan once shot a man for hittin' too loud.
#4: Washington still waiting for Moreland to "hulk out" after he gave him those frijoles majica he found cleaning out Nelson Cruz' locker.
#5: Daniels' proposal to MLB to play 144 games against the Astros fell through at the last minute.
#6: Yu Darvish's pathetic .000 batting average and -100 OPS+ underscore what is undoubtedly the worst contract in major league history.
#7: Seeking sweet, sweet vengeance, Robin Ventura secretly replaced all of Texas' HGH with Preparation H.
#8: Nolan Ryan is just Jerry Jones without the clown makeup.
#9: Disgraced former Ranger Josh Hamilton convinced his close personal friends in Heaven to send a series of nine Plagues of Failure upon the land of Arlington. Eight of them seem to have hit Houston by mistake, though.