Thursday, February 6, 2014
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Your Guide to the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics
Pro tip: if a KGB agent asks you to get into his car, politely refuse while informing him of all the erotic adventures you plan on experiencing with his mother.
Good morning, hockey tovariches! Last week we introduced the rest of the hockey world to the secret joys of the Stars' Ryan Garbutt. This week, rather than continue our Pultizer-winning long-form investigative series, Gun to My Head: Which Eastern Conference Fourth-Line Checking Winger I Would Have Sex With, And Why, it's time instead to give unasked-for advice to our proud athletes at the Sochi Winter Olympics.
For you see, while we at the Cupcheck may not have technically ever been to Sochi, or to Russia --or really anywhere east of the Pecos, for that matter-- we have read a lot of 1880s Russian literature and watched a lot of 1980s movies with Russian villains. So you know we've got the insider knowledge on this one. So without further devushka, here is a handy guide to having a safe, family-friendly time at that one city someplace in Russia.
Do: High-five President Putin at the podium if he initiates it.
Don't: Linger in that position for longer than 45 seconds while staring longingly into his eyes.
Do: Live-tweet the hilarious shortcomings of Sochi in general and your hotel in particular.
Don't: Expect to see the smiling faces of your children ever again.
Do: Make light-hearted jokes to the hotel clerk about all the bombs you plan on setting off over the next three weeks.
Don't: Forget to wink knowingly at least once as you say this.
Do: Enjoy Sochi's abundant sightseeing and nightlife while you're there.
Don't: Under any circumstances whatsoever, accept an invitation to 'The Bear Show.'
Do: Tip the housekeeping staff of the hotel: if not in cash, then in folksy American wisdom.
Don't: Tip the referee: Russian officials are incorruptible bastions of unwavering justice, and enthusiastically admit that they are overpaid enough as it is. A briefcase full of unmarked twenties means nothing to them.
Do: Learn several useful phrases in Russian, such as "Please," "Thank you" and "I can give you the names and addresses of many Canadian defensemen working as Chechen spies."
Don't: Forget to 'haggle' with merchants, gift shop cashiers and cabbage vendors. It's just a stupid part of their dumb culture, and you need to respect that.
Do: Let the customs agents know that you had a wonderful time in Sochi, and would definitely come back again.
Don't: Let the customs agents know that you are smuggling out Stalin's left pinky in a condom you stuffed up your rectum.
Do: Be sure to visit Sochi's Godlik Fortress, an ancient ruin from the Byzantine Empire.
Don't: Camp out in Godlik Fortress with a sniper rifle and re-enact Unreal Tournament, as totally amazing as that would be.
Do: Enjoy the many luxury amenities of your hotel room, such as roof, wall and complimentary floor.
Don't: Complain about any 'extras' such as soap, toilets or running water. If you do, Russian 'customer service' agents will arrive and re-locate you to Baba Yaga's hut in the middle of a spooky forest.
Do: Make sweet, sweet love to Putin's wife.
Don't: Make sweet, sweet love to Putin.