Thursday, February 13, 2014
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know an Olympian: Jamie Benn
We are here to-day to praise Jamie Benn, not to bury him.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we went over some of the finer points of Sochi. This week, rather than stick the Slovakian team's head in the toilet and flush, we're going to celebrate the Dallas Stars' most prominent Olympian. And even though he's playing for the heavily-favored team that nobody likes --thanks to a long and storied history with the morally superior American team-- we can take solace that, as just a fourth liner, he won't be able to inflict that much damage on our hopes for a U.S. gold medal in 2014... provided his home country can overcome their embarrassing penchant for corruption, sloth and villainy.
But don't hold that against Jamie Benn.
We at the Cupcheck will be rooting for him, of course... but in case Our Boys Over There need a list of exploitable weaknesses, we've compiled this handy guide.
Name: Jamie Benn
Born In: Victoria, British Columbia
Victoria, Where the Unofficial Gemstone is...: Dallasite. Yes, it all makes sense now, doesn't it?
Soaking Wet?: About 206
Acceptable Nicknames: El Jefe, Fist of the North Star, Mr. Personality, Catfish, Goaldozer
Unacceptable Nickname: Kibbles
Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: This goal against the Red Wings, in which he steals the puck, bumps into his own guy, then calmly dekes out all five Red Wings --including just absolutely embarrassing Nick Kronwall-- before backhanding it past Jimmy Howard as he slams to the ice. It was also the game-tying goal in a contest that Dallas would eventually win... the kind of important goal certain franchise players never, ever seemed to score. Until now, that is.
Nicest Comparison: The Next Cam Neely
Meanest Comparison: The Next James Neal
Strengths: Strength, skating, on-ice vision, passing, most accurate wrist shot in the NHL
Weaknesses: Post-game interview charm.
Better Than Brenden Morrow in 2013-14?: Oh God yes.
Who Wants Him: Women, Steve Yzerman
Who Wants to Be Him: Men, Steve Yzerman
Least Similar Game of Thrones Character: Viserys Targaryen
Looks Eerily Similar To: That guy at the oil change shop that just sorta hangs out and quietly watches the old guy do all the work.
Looks Eerily Nothing Like: Crispin Glover
Career Goals: Lead his team to a Stanley Cup; graciously accept a Silver Medal at the 2014 Olympics after scoring a hat trick in the 8-3 loss to the Americans.
Worst Fear: Jordie Benn being named Captain of the Dallas Stars
Thing He Does Better Than You: The hockey.
If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: Tatonka Stout
Alternate Universe Career: The Gunslinger With No Name.