Friday, February 8, 2008

Movie review: The Hottie and the Nottie

Grisly, cringe-inducing romantic comedy at its most accomplished.

By John P. Meyer

The Hottie & the Nottie

Nate Cooper has been smitten with Cristabel Abbott since he first laid eyes on her at the impressionable age of six. But before he could try and snuggle up to her at nap time, or maybe send her a valentine, his family moved away. In the intervening years there have been other women in Nate's life, but none who could measure up to Cristabel. Convinced she's the only girl for him, Nate decides to move back to L.A. and track her down. The good news: she's still single and stunning. The bad news: there's a reason she's still single. Cristabel's still best friends with the same less fortunate little girl Nate remembers from first grade, June Phigg. The two are inseparable. They live together. They go to yoga together. They would even go on double dates together...if only June could get a date. Cristabel simply refuses to leave dear June home alone. Determined to spend as much time as possible with Cristabel, Nate sets out to find a boyfriend for June. Even when he pays them, however, guys all flee at the sight of her. Then it hits him: June needs a makeover. As Nate and June become friends she emerges from her cocoon, and Nate slowly realizes that the girl of his dreams isn't the hottie at all. It's the nottie--who turns out to be something of a hottie herself.

Source: Cinema Source

• Showtimes and more on The Hottie & the Nottie

O.K., you probably suspected this already based on the movie's title, but go ahead and consider it official: The Hottie and the Nottie is no screen gem. In fact, it's something of a chore to actually sit through, though for a film reviewer I suppose this sort of trial-by-misfire comes with the territory.

Let's say you're the kind of 13-yr.-old boy who's amused by farting and titillated by verbal sexual references; or perhaps you're a 13-year-old girl who adores Paris Hilton simply because she is what she is (i.e., a rich and arguably attractive celebrity with a purported sense of fashion and a party hearty philosophy of life). In either of these instances this movie might, and I stress MIGHT, represent an entertaining way for you to spend an hour and a half of your young, frivolous, misguided life. But that's only if you can endure the meticulously-crafted gross-out makeup effects employed in the epic uglying-up of actress Christine Lakin, who plays the "nottie" of the title, June Phigg.

Hairy facial moles and rotting teeth are one thing, but infected toenails mistaken for hors d'oeuvres are another entirely. (Yikes!) As producer Hadeel Reda states in the promotional notes, "I love gross-out comedies that test the boundaries of taste." Congratulations, Hadeel: you've produced one.

Before delving into story specifics, let me take this opportunity to point out that Ms. Hilton is far from being the weakest spar in this entertainment rigging. In fact, her performance benefits from clear enunciation and a spotless complexion as she basks in the soft focus of the slo-mo Greek Goddess cam, which periodically pans from her toes to her head during episodes in which she is briefly - if elegantly - attired.

Yes, Cole Slawson, you've just nibbled on an infected toenail. (You poor bastard.)

Unfortunately, the lines Ms. Hilton (in character as hottie Cristabelle Abbott) is forced to enunciate during the course of the movie include:

"A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers," and:

"Some people think our bodies are like an earth suit."

... at which point we begin to wonder whether an earth suit (of the six feet under variety) might have been the best choice of enclosure for the working script.

Just as in the case of its Oscar-worthiness, the film's title also serves as an accurate predictor of its plot. What we have here is a seriously gorgeous young woman (Cristabelle) who - improbably - bonds for life with a seriously hideous one (June), whose physiognomy sports the kinds of specifics already detailed.

Blend in an old grade-school classmate still harboring a crush on Cristabelle in the person of Nate Cooper (portrayed by Joel Moore, who bears a passing resemblance to a Gilligan's Island era Bob Denver); add a dash of Nate's unlikely mentor Arno Blount (The Greg Wilson), who still lives at home with his snack food-pushing mom while dispensing advice about women; plug in male model/reconstructive dental surgeon Johann (Johann Urb) to serve as a romantic competitor in the quest for the hottie's dubious favors, and you've got a prescription for... well... something that professes to downplay stereotypes of physical beauty while actually reinforcing them.

Home workshop reprogramming

Emblematic of the attention to detail bestowed on this mess, Arno (The Greg) can't even be bothered to pronounce the nottie half of the titular couplet correctly: he refers to June Phigg as an example of that ever-present "naughty" who stands between hotties and those attempting to woo them (in some fractured fairy tale realm, I suppose) - which of course would put an entirely new spin on the story. If the June Phigg character had actually turned out to be naughty, we'd have been subjected to a grisly, cringe-inducing horror tale as opposed to a grisly, cringe-inducing romantic comedy.

Prepare the Greek Goddess cam

There are flashes of - if not quite brilliance - then at least dull reflected luminance, such as the improvised moniker Nate pulls from the luncheon detritus to bestow upon the poor fall guy he's hired to serve as June's escort on a blind double date: Cole Slawson (Adam Kulbersh, playing the ill-fated nibbler of diseased toenails). Slawson also becomes the experimental subject of a home workshop Clockwork Orange-ish reprogramming attempt during which he is electrically shocked when presented with pictures of beautiful women, then reinforced positively when images of June Phigg appear.

Any such tenuous virtues are fanned into foul-smelling oblivion by scenes such as the one in which Arno carries on a phone conversation while ensconced on the john, trumpeting away with gusto. It is with likewise salute that I bring this review to a close.

THINKING OUTSIDE THE MOUTH: "She has teeth - they're just not the conventional shape." - Nate to Cole Slawson, re. June Phigg

DREAM ON: "If you give up on your dream, you die." - Arno to Nate

"Are you quoting me Flashdance?" - Nate to Arno

VOCABULARY CHALLENGED?: "'Stalked' is a big word." - Nate to Cristabelle.

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• Arts > Movies / Film > Mainstream Movies