Thursday, February 14, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Six Ways to Make Hockey Safer

By Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we ridiculed the very notion that a last-minute trade deadline deal would instantly catapult your favorite team to the Stanley Cup Finals: this week, I was planning on analyzing Gary Bettman's latest decision to follow in the footsteps of the NBA and bring back the three-point shot (goalie has to launch it from his own crease, while closing his eyes ever so tightly. Goalies caught peeking would have the goal waved off and the faceoff brought back to their zone), but recent developments in the World of Hockey forced me to put that column on the backburner once again. Of course, I'm speaking of the rash of players and referees getting their throats slit by rogue skate blades. This week Florida Panther Richard Zednik, and some linesman the day before, both suffered gruesome cuts to the neck that resulted in far too many emptied stomachs and cringe-inducing Youtube viewings.

While many have taken these two incidents as proof the league needs to mandate neck-guards, full-face cage-masks and nerf hockey sticks, I posit that these paltry "solutions" do not go far enough. With the fighting instigator, crackdown on defense and inconsistent doling out of suspensions, it's obvious which way the league is heading, and I would like to offer some ideas on how the NHL can re-make hockey into the safe, courteous and family-friendly pastime the league office so desperately wants it to be.

Teemu Selanne and Jonathan Cheechoo sport the NHL's new family-safe jerseys

--Replace all that musical racket with the soulful sounds of Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute: Yea, music doth verily soothe the wild beast, but all that music at hockey games only serves to confuse and infuriate hockey players, who then express their rage the only way they know how- by lashing out with their skateblades on unsuspecting teammates and referees. Replacing all that heavy metal and hip-shaking rock n'roll with the consciousness-raising soul music of Zamfir should keep players and fans alike in a peaceful, loving state of mind. Players are entitled to their ice, and if they have the puck and are headed straight towards your goal: well, that's just OK, y'know? Earlier experiments with replacing all the in-game music with John Tesh was a disaster: Tesh's raw, primal rhythms and the sweaty, man-beastial pulse of his primeval sax drove NHL players insane with rage, as many of them went down to the local nursing home and practiced their neck-snapping aluminum-bat killshots on unsuspecting grannies during Jell-O Hour.

--Relocate all teams and fans to the Oregon Coast: Too many of our players and fans live and work in cities where there is crime, filth and an infuriating lack of parking. All these factors lead to high levels of stress, elevated blood pressure and heightened emotional states. This is why all teams and fans need to be forcibly relocated from cities like Philadelphia and Detroit, and moved to the peaceful, laid-back environs of Eugene and Portland, where people are nicer, don't get all up in your face, and there's plenty of parking to be had. This is really just a better variant of the NHL's original idea of moving all teams and fans to famously-neutral Switzerland --but while it was an excellent idea on paper, none of us need to be reminded of the terrible tragedies that occurred when Flyer fans got hold of all those automatic weapons from the Swiss National Guard. At least in Oregon, hockey fans can go to the game, pull out their acoustic guitars, their bud and their pan-flutes and play them some tunez.

--Rename all team mascots after your favorite Care Bears: Far, far too many hockey teams have mascots that encourage aggressive, physical exploits: the Predators, the Sharks, the Wild. When players associate themselves with these mascots they cannot be faulted when, in the speed and confusion of the game, they perform some overly-aggressive act like hooking or forechecking. If, on the other hand, we replaced all team names with different Care Bears, players would associate themselves with cuddly, sweet-talking puffs of stuffed cuteness and happiness. There is one exception to that rule, and if the NHL is reading this and getting ready to implement any or all of these great ideas, I strongly beseech thee to leave out Grumpy Bear!! No one needs an entire team of Grouchy McGrouchersons on the ice: if need be, either contract one team or make two teams Bedtime Bear, which would increase the fun and the love rather than allow players to sulk and be mean.

--Replace two-minute minors with two-minute Special Forgiveness Moments: Too often, players who commit infractions seem to take it especially hard, grumbling and cursing (under their breath, where no one can hear) that their lot in life is a terrible one indeed. Those two minutes spent in the penalty box can be difficult ones for a player to handle emotionally: and when those two minutes are finally over, the player that emerges is a different man: harder, more frustrated and more emotionally-guarded. Sometimes players take those minors so hard, that they find adjusting to five-on-five nearly impossible, and commit yet another infraction that lands them --you guessed it-- right back in the penalty box for yet another two-minute spell. The NHL, and we, as fans, need to support our players when they need it most, and that is why I'm proposing that during those two minutes, everyone in the entire arena stops what they are doing, the game comes to a screeching halt, and the league mandate that we go around the arena and tell that particular player why we love and appreciate him, that we recognize what he did was wrong but can separate the player from the penalty, and offer our forgiveness. Perhaps, once tortured souls like Sean Avery and Darcy Tucker are allowed into our hearts, they will in turn allow us into theirs, and penalties will become a distant, long-forgotten memory.

The cover of a Wheatie's Box can't be far behind

--Proactively hold down every player and cut his neck with a skate blade: In order to make certain that players understand what it's like if their skates slice through a teammate's neck like a hot longsword through butter, the NHL must enforce this proactive, preventative measure. Have burly, hairy men stripped naked to the waist hold down each and every NHL player while Gary Bettman slices their jugular with a razor-sharp blade: if every player in the NHL knows how awful blood spurting from their neck feels, they will be far more likely to play safe, cautious and careful hockey from then on. Since referees are also at risk, the NHL should do the same with our on-ice officials, letting the fans personally assist our refs experience this hands-on, consciousness-raising exercise.

--Replace clutching and grabbing with hugging and kissing: There's far, far too much of what I would term "physical play" in NHL arenas these days. The NHL agrees, and has been actively trying to legislate all physical play out of the game for the past several years. But I say the league has not gone far enough: punishing players for lightly grazing opponents with their sticks and elbows is a step in the right direction, but just as we chastise negative behavior, we must also reward positive actions as well. As it stands, when a player commits an infraction his team has one player removed: I say we should reward emotionally-supportive deeds like hugging and kissing by increasing the number of players on the ice. For example, if Joe Thornton is flying down the ice, and Chris Pronger decides to hug and kiss him, we should reward that kind of positive behavior by giving the Anaheim Ducks an extra player for two minutes. If the Sharks then want to increase their on-ice numbers, they could send out Craig Rivet to hug and kiss Chris Pronger, thereby rewarding themselves with a sixth player. If everything goes right, the NHL will finally get what it wants: 60-minute games in which every player from both teams is out on the ice, hugging and kissing. I'm certain every page of Gary Bettman's Hannah Montana Dream-Journal is sparkling with this very loving fantasy. As an added bonus, the tears and crying from all this emotional release should improve the quality of the league's ice surfaces.

Well, that's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I follow my own advice, and replace my balls with sensible, nutritious grapenuts.

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Improving Tomorrow’s NHL (Feb. 21, 2008)
• Week-in-view: World domination edition (Feb. 14, 2008)

See more stories in:

• Hockey > NHL > Stars

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