Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Cupcheck’s One-Year Anniversary!

By Todd Maternowski

Top of the morning, hockey fans! Last week we waxed poetic about the Stars' feisty pugilist and Pat Verbeek impersonator, Steve Ott. This week, I was planning on giving out juicy details of my latest meeting with NHL Suspension Czar Colin Campbell, but after some sort of unsightly business out west someplace, it was awfully hard to get a word in edgewise with the guy. I was able to get on Campbell's good side, however, when I quickly retrieved a small travel-size bottle of Pert n' Popular for him, after Chris Pronger ejaculated into Campbell's hair. As a credit to Colin, he took it like a man, with a minimum of crying: although I may have scored even more points with the poor guy after lending him my Damn Yankee Hankee to wipe some of that superstar goo off.

Strangely, Gary Bettman didn't cry at all while he was being ritualistically mounted by the hefty Anaheim defender. In fact, I got the distinct impression that Bettman was enjoying it a little too much: I think by the time Bettman had agreed to lower the number of games for Pronger's suspension to eight, well, poor Gary was just about spent himself! More on that later.

In more important news, the Stars continue to rock our world. With just one win in their last seven games, the Stars' brilliant strategy of purposefully tanking it for the #1 overall pick is going swimmingly. At first I thought they were not losing on purpose, that the untimely firing of longtime trainer Dave Suprenaut had busted up any chemistry in the locker room, and caused the players to mail it in to 'get back' at their unfair overlords in the GM office. But after seeing their efforts on the powerplay last night against the Ducks, I must say I've come completely around: two shots on seven powerplays doesn't even begin to describe how awful the team looks nowadays. For the uninitiated, getting that kind of production when you have an extra player on the ice is the hockey equivalent of taking the SAT without signing your name, then shoving your #2 pencil into an uncomfortable orifice. In fact, the on-ice results were probably even uglier.

So why the pathetic losses? I'm thinking the Stars looked at the standings, figured they'd never catch San Jose for the Pacific Division title, decided that they didn't want to play Anaheim in the first round, and smartly started shaving points to quietly slip into that coveted #6 seed. After all, that's the seed that gets the Northwest Division winner, who will likely be exhausted from a month and a half of King of the Mountain-type divisional battles, and ripe for the picking for a well-rested Pacific Division team. Of course, the Stars might lose too much, and slip to #7 and have to play the Sharks, or #8 and play the Wings... but I commend them for their high-risk, high-reward playoff seeding strategy. Bully for Tippett!

I don't think my Citrus Blast Cheese Dip went down so well with Alexei Yashin

In even more important news, today's column marks the one-year anniversary of the Cupcheck! It seems just like one year ago, that I knelt before the Lords of Pegasus and humbly asked for permission to pen a weekly hockey column for their grand and exalted online newspaper. After a long and grueling series of Tests of Strength, as well as a side-quest to defeat a Balrog that had been terrorizing the editor-in-chief's village, I was deemed Worthy, and allowed the chance to express my views in the fastest-growing media outlet in the country (not counting, of course, Fox's new Pornographic News Channel, KLYT: "Where the Rubber Meets the Bored").

51 vaguely hockey-related columns and hyper-caffeinated energy drinks later, I do believe it's time to party!! Always looking for an excuse to pass out from drinking too much chocolate milk, I invited the entire hockey world to my half-bedroom hovel above my parent's garage -- or as I like to call it, "The PleasureDome." The cops have a different name for it, which I won't dignify by printing here.

From across the hockey spectrum they came --the fact that I'd signed the invites "Baby Hockey Jesus" certainly helped-- and within minutes it was getting a little cramped in there, and some backup goaltender from the Devils knocked over my pitcher of Strawberry Quik with honey in it, getting the sticky stuff all over the party favors I'd spent the previous day organizing into visually-appealing rows.

Fortunately, the Canucks' Zamboni driver and a Czech scout for the Wild were able to help me move my collection of life-sized Charlie Chan action figures downstairs into the Den of Pain.

With most of the Strawberry Quik gone, and no backup beverage selection, I knew I had to act fast to keep the party going strong. I was planning on whipping out the games a little later in the evening --perhaps after passing out some delicious puck-shapes cupcakes-- but there was no time for that now. I deftly brought out my trusted Pin the Tail on the Donkey game, and felt a sense of supreme self-satisfaction when the players all started jostling to be the first one to claim ass-poking rights. Unfortunately, Todd Bertuzzi gruffly pushed aside some of the smaller, European players, grabbed the donkey tail and just started wailing on that poor ass without mercy. After twenty-five minutes of watching him screaming, pounding, and howling -- and the stain on his shorts grow larger and larger -- we started getting a little uncomfortable, to tell you the truth. Next time I'll listen to Brad May and get one of those posters with a donkey picture: I don't think Farmer Dan is going to give my deposit back for ol' Bessie after this.

At least Avery is good at something hockey-related

Next up was my personal childhood favorite, the Bobbing for Pucks! Ah yes... my unicorn-covered journals are filled with fond memories of early birthday parties out on the frozen lakes of Wisconsin, where groups of kids and George Parros would lead me to cracks in the ice and tell me that there was an autographed Craig Ludwig hockey puck (for those that don't know, Ludwig is the Greatest Hockey Player in Wisconsin History) and then gently guide my face into the icy depths in an attempt to assist me in finding such water-logged treasure. I may not be able to feel my face (which comes in handy when I'm getting slapped upside the head by my Moldavian pimp), but the memories will never, ever, go away.

Once again, fun times were not to be had, however: the first puck-bobber, Sean Avery, ruined it for everyone else when he used his unholy banshee-like nasal shriek to shatter the ice from a distance, then used his considerable diving skills to snatch the oversized novelty puck I'd strategically placed inside. I was amazed at how much puck Sean Avery could fit in his mouth! I was not amazed, however, at his unwillingness to share with the other party-goers. If it wasn't already so crowded in The PleasureDome, I'd have put him in timeout. Fortunately for him, my cardboard cutout of Don Cherry was in the Timeout Corner. A surprisingly large number of players volunteered to make space for a Face Punching Corner for Avery, but I just couldn't find any room for my zamboni-shaped cookie tray anywhere else.

With the festivities winding down, I figured it was time to bring out the Big Guns: Hide and Go Seek! I may not be able to skate in a straight line, but I am a champion hide and seeker: in fact, technically, I'm still "hiding" from nearly everyone I'd ever encountered in my early childhood. To be fair to the players, I decided to take it easy on them for the first game, and volunteered to be the Seeker. After counting to 10, I turned around and giddily started searching: those players were surprisingly good at it, though, because I couldn't find a single one! Also, their cars were hiding, too! I did manage to catch a surprised-looking Jon Sim coming out of the restroom, however, and was able to keep him entertained for the next seven hours by showing him my scrapbook collection. He's actually still in my apartment, though he's hasn't moved in a while and is starting to smell a bit.

Well, that's it for this week's Annual edition of the Cupcheck. Tune in next week when I catch up with Vesa Toskala and see how his second career as shortstop for the Royals is coming along.

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Beware the Ides of March (March 27, 2008)
• Week in View: Good Friday Edition (March 20, 2008)

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• Hockey > NHL > Stars

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