Sunday, December 31, 2006

Todd’s Top Ten Movies of 2006

By Todd Maternowski

Here are my top ten movies of 2006:

10. Bottom's Up - They say the most valuable gems are the also the most difficult to find. Finding this Paris Hilton epic could prove to be just such an impossible quest, as producers have skipped the straight-to-video step and dumped the DVDs directly into the dumpster behind the thrift store.

9. Turistas - If we can't make movies about attractive young people getting tortured and killed by sadistic foreigners, haven't the tourists already won?

8. Date Movie - Court jesters of yore would convey important messages to their kings, often at the risk of their own life if the message was unpleasant or unfunny. The makers of Date Movie, then, must have cajones muy grandes, as they have risked much to create a movie that is neither pleasant or funny.

7. Stay Alive - This documentary on video gaming exposes every detail of gaming life: from the male model-esque gamers wearing designer clothes to scantily-clad female video game players, this film pulls no punches. Even more revolutionary was the film's shocking discovery that some video games -- are real: but this should come as no surprise to the legions of right-wing politicians and parents' groups that have confused real life and video games/movies for years.

6. Basic Instinct 2 - For both of you that were desperately awaiting a sequel, Hollywood has once again come through with colors flying. After this movie, no one can complain that The Industry does not try its best to meet the needs of each and every one of its viewing public, especially if that viewing public happens to be Sharon Stone's accountant.

5. When a Stranger Calls - After seeing this timeless thriller, you won't be able to sleep for weeks. Remember, the genius is coming from inside the house!

4. Failure to Launch - Two words: Terry Bradshaw. In this coming of age tale Bradshaw proves he can dominate the big screen as effortlessly as he used to dominate the Cowboys' defensive secondary. A leading role in a romantic comedy can't be far behind for this hunky charmer.

3. Final Destination 3 - Death is a topic with serious gravitas, and films tackling this topic annually make every critic's top ten list. But if critically acclaimed movies like Citizen Kane and Death of a Salesman got as far as they did with just one death, it follows logically that a movie with thirty untimely demises will be 30 times as loved and admired.

2. Little Man - Capitalizing on the immense popularity of hobbits, the Wayans brothers have taken the trite and cliched "movie where babies shave, smoke and ogle bosoms" and broken the mold. Helped by top-notch visual effects, the Wayans have made a movie that appeals to bank-robbing midgets and baby impersonators everywhere.

1. Ultraviolet - To say that this is the greatest movie of all time would be a disservice to so monumental an artistic endeavor. Ultraviolet, criminally short at 90 minutes, transcends the tired cliches' of acting, directing and editing, instead sailing forth into uncharted realms where these pedestrian, primitive ape-like conceits no longer matter. Dialogue? A long-forgotten afterthought, fit for the neanderthalific "movies" that have now, finally, been so brilliantly surpassed. A warning! This is NOT a movie. This is the machine which takes humanity to the next level of progress as a species. Ultraviolet is ushering in more than a new age, it is changing our very DNA to better equip our sensitive psyches to fully appreciate the inevitable Ultraviolet 2, by which time the human species should be composed entirely of solar light.

Related stories

• Todd’s Top Ten Films of 2007 (Dec. 28, 2007)

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• Arts > Movies / Film

Comments

John Meyer Staff

I'm returning from my near-solar-light state (only my typing fingers retain solidity) to suggest that a bit of prostate massage might handily resolve Mr. Bradshaw's failure to launch.

Volunteers?

1 year, 9 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )