Thursday, March 15, 2007

Thursday Morning Cupcheck

By Todd Maternowski

Updated 11:06 a.m., May 24, 2007

In this new weekly column I hope to provide serious, critical, thoroughly-researched analysis of Dallas Stars Hockey, in fact, I haven't even finished this first sentence, and already the angry letters are coming in: What sort of hockey-reporting credentals can you possibly have? Just who do you think you are, assuming you're the voice of the real Stars fan? And just what am I supposed to do with all this goat semen? Timeless questions, indeed.

First off, your hardy columnist originates from the icy, Blatz-soaked tundra known to some as Central Wisconsin, where hockey is not just a way of life, but a mandatory rite of passage: before any able-bodied man turns 7 he must first brave the Gauntlet of Three Cross-Checks to the Back of the Neck, followed by the traditional Ramming Into the Boards. Otherwise, he is catapulted into the malarial swamps of Indiana, a fate worse than death. (Many times in my youth I was threatened by the village elders, "Do you want to go to Indiana? Is that what you want? Then just keep doing what you're doing, mister").

Pictured: a certain young goaltending stud

My particular rites were served at age 6 for the Oshkosh somethingorothers, where I "played" goaltender. In theory this would mean I frustrated opponents with my perfect pad stacks and bodacious butterfly form, becoming an unholy goaltending terror of the central Wisconsin peewee hockey league. In reality, it meant that they put me in net and gave me a chair. The chair was not just for taunting and humiliating opponents, as it in on the pro level: it had the double function of allowing me to sit down for extended periods of time while the real action was elsewhere, while also allowing me to skate from the bench to the crease with ease. Without the chair, I may not have made it past the blue line, which spells serious trouble for the majority of goalies.

As far as my goaltending prowess, well, it's difficult to say, considering I didn't know the rules, basic concepts of hockey or how to skate: somehow, I was drafted in the fifth round by the Blackhawks that year. Most of my memories involve my sitting on my chair in net watching the "skaters" with their "sticks" do stuff far, far away: in reality, a very similar experience to watching hockey on Versus. So in a way, you could say that watching hockey on Versus is like being there on the ice! (If Versus decides to use that, I get 90% of the royalties). I also remember our main rivals: the Appleton Apples. Bastards, every last one of them. Not only were they the biggest cheaters imaginable, and paid the refs, but they punched kittens in the face and worshipped the Red Wings. There were also the Fond du Lac somethginorothers, as well, known for their distinctive black-and-yellow jerseys, and the fact that they had a girl on their team. In fact, the one time I ended up in the penalty box (probably for an unspeakably brutal elbow to the cranium or something), she was there too. Our eyes never met. Chemistry never developed. I failed to make really-small talk (not much 'game' at age 6). But I'll tell you this: that girl looked an awful lot like NHL forward Alex Tanguay.

Like all hockey greats, I did have my Moment. I was in net, and for some unfathomable reason the puck actually slid across our blue line in my general direction. It was then that the Spirit of the Ice took hold of me, and pushed me forward, far, far from the crease, rocketing towards that unattended puck like a bolt of tiny lightning. Focused squarely on the puck, ignoring the distractions of puzzled teammates yelling indecipherable things at me, I glided over the frozen lake and reached my destination: the puck. I forget what I did with it after that... tapped it, maybe? I'd bet Modano's 500th goal wasn't nearly as exhilarating.

So, as you can clearly see, I have an impeccable hockey pedigree from which to make sweeping, unfounded generalizations. On a side note, my goalie mask from age 6, similar to Dominic Hasek's, still just barely fits me, no joke.

My rink-cred established, time to get back to the Stars: with the top eight teams in the Western Conference more or less decided, and the possibility of catching the red-hot Ducks in the standings reduced to nil, the Stars have been doing what they do best: playing down to the level of competition. Winning a few one-goal games over some of the worst teams in the NHL, the Stars continue to do what they've been doing all year, that is, keeping all their games watchable and exciting, rather than engaging in fan-hated blowouts of clearly inferior teams. Considering that they completely dominated LA and Philly this week and still barely squeaked out a pair of late-game one-goal victories, I can only hope that the Stars are so good they can tempt the Hockey Gods like this on purpose. In fact, for large stretches of the game against the Flyers, the Stars seemed like they were playing EA Sports NHL '07 on "easy", where the opposing team coughs up the puck in their defensive zone every six seconds. And that's not even mentioning the Flyer's poor goalie, who seemed adamant about increasing his Goals Against Average, directing every rebound directly to a Dallas Star in a prime scoring spot (perhaps he's auditioning for the Capitals job?). Despite some truly lazy play on the power play and in the defensive zone, they still managed two wins against two crappy teams, which I suppose is good news.

The bad news? The Stars have some tough games coming up, although, in true form, they will most likely rise to the level of their superior opponents just as they drop to the Flyers' and Kings'. 9 points behind Anaheim in the division with a few games in hand and a game coming up against the hated Ducks, and these next few weeks could get hairy for the Stars. More on that, and on how I love the new Stars-sponsored noisemakers in the cheap seats pissing off the docile season ticket holders, in next week's column

Related stories

• Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Cupcheck’s One-Year Anniversary! (March 20, 2008)

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• Hockey > NHL > Stars

Comments

Mike Orren Staff

Point well taken cjon: We generally post game summaries from content partner Andrew's Stars Page, but something seems to have broken down in our process the past week. We're on it, and those responsible are currently screaming in the agony that is the PNWHQ dungeon.

1 year, 4 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )