Posted on September 17, 2009 at 11:55 p.m.

Food: 4/5  Vibe: 4/5  Service: 5/5  Value: 4/5  Overall: 4/5

Some people have accused ME of using some Engrish, but wow!

On Sushi World

Posted on September 17, 2009 at 11:53 p.m.

Food: 5/5  Vibe: 5/5  Service: 4/5  Value: 5/5  Overall: 5/5

We've put the house up for sale. This means that at the whim of whomever supposes they want to tromp around our place with their damned shoes on can call up the real estate joint and feel up our utensils. This is one of those evenings. So, while some strangers cast judgment on my library I need some food. SMOKE it is.

Yes it's true the old restaurant that was here needed a gutting. The new digs are extrally excellent on the extra side of excellence with a chilled out backyard style deal and a high top bar separating yon from the dining room.

We manage to score a seat not directly next to the toilet which is pretty nice. The crowd is a mix of alt couples and hipsters with ironic pre-distressed t-shirts. SMOKE of the delicious type permeates the restaurant without being overbearing. I'm getting hungrier by the second.

We start out with some smoked salmon and asparagus plate best described as appropriate. Smokey not fishy and slimy. Recommended.

I'm liking the fireplace, the weird lookin' pictures, the Lost In Translation soundtrack.

What's the point in the pickle plate? I guess they can pickle stuff. It's tasty, but it's a little strange, too, since I don't really know how to eat this.

What's next? The server is kind of on the loud side. Like I know I'm kind of petit, but you're still only about 2 feet from my head so it's not really necessary to yell. Apparently he's never tried any of the sandwiches, either and can't recommend much.

As such, time to take the reigns! Carolina style pork sandwich! Turns out this is a damned good plate. How good?

If you had asked me last week if I had ever been to the Carolinas, I would have struggled. But, as I took a bite from this deal I was reminded of one summer when I took a Buick Roadmaster and a francophone girl on a road trip from Montreal to someplace in Florida. I think we somehow upset her father who was building an appliance factory in Saudi Arabia or something. I recall being broken down somewhere in North Carolina and eating a sandwich JUST LIKE THIS - that's how good that thing is or was depending on which tense I'm using. Now that's a solid sandwich.

However, any jackass with an electric smoker and a few chunks of mesquite can smoke a pig. Good smoking technique will be revealed in the lean meats.

Sooo, turkey sandwich!!!

Clearly not as moist as the pork, but not the point. Chopped turkey sans slaw gives off the same smoke in a different setting.

Both with a fresh bun. House made sauces. Paper lined baskets.

I love it. Seriously, who cares what I have to say about this place? It's awesome. I'll come here just to drink. I'll come here to eat. I will eat more. Drinking will continue. I don't even remember what they offer for desserts, but I was too damned full to eat any any way.

Back to the house to Swiffer the place. The food and drink was enough to chill me out from continuing to be annoyed by the commissions charged on these real estate transactions, so I flip on the TV for a bit. I'm starting to think with all we're doing while we're here and some of these new-ish eateries maybe Dallas actually isn't all that bad. As I settle in, there's some show on about a scream-y no name Dallas pseudo celebrity line cook from a local hotel on - essentially everything wrong, distasteful and disgusting about Dallas - I switch over to something more subtle: Starship Troopers.

Maybe nothing's changed.

On Smoke

Posted on September 14, 2009 at 12:06 a.m.

Food: 4/5  Vibe: 3/5  Service: 2/5  Value: 3/5  Overall: 4/5

Finally made it out for lunch or brunch or BLUNCH. Who doesn't love blunch??

Navajo fried bread comes with beans or honey. It has salt on it, which I guess salty Navajos would, too. It's not all bad.

The something called like Machaka or Makalaka is two sorta tortilla huevos rancheros thing on top of some taters. It's a-ight.

Chicken pot pie is spicy, the peas aren't freezer burnt and it's served in a pot. Interesting. It's smart, too. There's no crust, but two pastries are on top so manufacture for the kitchen makes a lot of sense.

Overall, there's nothing at all subtle about it, the prices aren't bad, and the foods ok. Yeah, I'd go back. Kind of had to beg someone to take our order but didn't actually walk out, so maybe next time will be better. Looks ready for franchising, too!!! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT??QM!

On Cowboy Chow (Deep Ellum)

Posted on September 10, 2009 at 4:52 p.m.

Food: 4/5  Vibe: 4/5  Service: 5/5  Value: 3/5  Overall: 4/5

Wanna puke?

I should qualify that said vomiting will likely not happen because of the food you will eat at the top nominee for "restaurant with the most boring name in Dallas." As a matter of fact, a large number of the dishes we had were delicious.

You see, we decided to make a point of doing "all the places in Dallas we never went to" you know before THE DAY and naturally the rotating restaurant came to mind.

Desiring some interesting sushi and the sort demanded a jersey that said something like 9 COURSE OMAKASE YEAAHH NmSR!!!

The sushi bar at "the place with the terrible name" is located directly inside la dome. This means that you sit and restaurant moves around you. Because of the framing around the structure, the foreground moves in a sort of reverse parallax which could send those prone to motion sickness spending their dinner looking at the floor. It's not a bad view of downtown, though.

The sake selections are slim but reasonable with markups in the 150% range - actually less than I would have thought.

As you progress through courses, more observant diners will appreciate that the chef's presentation is well refined, with subtle Asian touches including finishing dishes from right to left and re-creating the shape of ....

Whoa, wait, wait, wait.....I forgot:

SPINNING BALL RESTAURANT SERVES RAW FISH WITH BBQ SAUCE AND JALAPENOS - SURE TO PLEASE GAIJIN TOURISTS AND LOCALS WITH SLEEVELESS T SHIRTS

On Five-Sixty

Posted on August 2, 2009 at 6:33 p.m.

Food: 3/5  Vibe: 5/5  Service: 3/5  Value: 4/5  Overall: 4/5

Pre-Dallas smoking ban:

"Do you want to go out tonight so later you can smell like the engine room of a Turkish fishing vessel? It will also mean an extra dry cleaning trip."

"Not really. Let's drink this conveniently placed bottle of wine and read books."

"Great idea."

Post Dallas smoking ban:

"Do you want to go out tonight to some local establishment, drink beverages, eat food, watch some local entertainment and in general spend a yet to be determined amount of money in doing so."

"Great idea."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Kac8r...

On Cafe Rembrandt (Closed)

Posted on July 31, 2009 at 1:08 p.m.

Food: 3/5  Vibe: 4/5  Service: 4/5  Value: 3/5  Overall: 3/5

I don't know if there is some Vietnam-Brazil connection. I mean, clearly the first half of the last century saw the creation of a massive Japanese population in Brazil, but Vietnam? Seems strained, kind of like when someone says "have a blessed afternoon" - I get it, but people could just come out and say "JESUS ROCKS" and it wouldn't be all mealy mouthed.

Anyway since we'll be in Dallas for a couple of weeks, I thought it was only right to seek out some lame-o Asian fusion in Uptown. It took about 1.9 seconds to locate a likely suspect. I hoped for disappointment.

This Lumi place is right next to HL+S and I'll admit we were this close to just getting some fried oysters.

I think the building used to be a crack house or hair place or maybe a tooth floss storage facility but now it's been nicely renovated in to the sort of hardwood and drywall space that echos like a house party where people forgot to turn the stereo on. Of course, there is a large, stupid big screen TV in the little bar area. Maybe Dallas bartenders are incapable of banter so putting on the Food Network is a reasonable substitute.

We decide to have a seat outside and spot a little doggie water bowl - cute! If this turns out ok, we'll bring the Tosa next time!

Your drink options are reasonable and it's nice to see cocktails getting under the $10 range again in this neighbo(u)rhood. She's pleasantly surprised with the lychee mojito. I think the Dallas tap is adequate with hints of shopping cart bouquet.

We go for three 'share plates' because it's so much more fun to pick off each others plates than actually have a meal. HATE THIS TREND HATE. I mean if you're having regular unprotected I mean totally safe sexual relations with someone, ok sharing some nachos isn't a big deal. Otherwise I don't want to pay for food and have other people's hangnails touching my snacks. I'm also wary of communal dips and herpes.

We have the summer rolls or whatever they call a rice paper roll here. It's not bad although the pork is not totally awesome. They also stuffed what appears to be a fried wonton skin in to the middle. Kind of a cop out, but it's not all bad. Standard hoisin with Sriracha dip.

Since it's decadence week we also go for an order of the Sriracha chicken wings. These are served at about 9000 degrees, so when the deep frier stuff comes oozing out of them be prepared for minor burn injuries. I am told that the lining of the mouth heals quickly, though.

We also have some duck dumplings, pan fried style. They are gyoza not momo or bao style, so I'm kind of disappointed. These lumps are on the greasy side inside and outside and for dipping you get a too sweet single service sauce.

Partway through our meal I looked down and noticed some interesting parts of the hedge around the patio so I pulled off a couple of leaves and gave them a chomp. My suspicions confirmed! Basil - growing right next to my table! How convenient! I proceeded to help myself to this delicious garnish that I always enjoy with my faux Asian snacks. Presumably it wasn't sprayed with too much mosquito killer because I haven't developed any new death like symptoms yet.

Well, that's basically it. This joint is pretty typical Dallas summer fusion stuff - tenuously tied together cultures described by overpowering flavors better passed over for the drinks.

That being said, you get to watch the fake and bakers trying to get their Ferraris out of first gear on McKinney, the restaurant seems to be dog friendly, you can eat some of the hedge and the host only has one leg. That's absurd enough that I'd go back for a drink.

On Lumi Empanada and Dumpling Kitchen

Posted on July 26, 2009 at 10:53 p.m.

Food: 4/5  Vibe: 2/5  Service: 4/5  Value: 2/5  Overall: 3/5

It’s difficult to decide which cliché to start this piece with. Maybe ‘the more things change’ would be a reasonable place to begin. Although, ‘the beginning of the end’ may be good too. Why would I choose these phrases and this restaurant now? Well, visiting this address may be the bookends of our time here in Dallas. We’ll see where this goes.

As everyone knows all ready Victor Tangos used to be some hard door nightclub where girls from the old Drama Room used to come to pick up guys in high rising pants after a night of bottle ratting. Presumably everyone also knows that there was some Dallas chef who was involved in some business thing with some other local chain style expensive casual restaurants that I can’t really remember so read those stories again if you’re in love with celebrity celery slingers according to D Magazine.

You cannot park directly outside of VTs. You will use the complimentary valet. YOU WILL. We were moving too fast to see if they were working for my old nemesis Lone Star, so off with the car they go!

We ended up here completely on a whim, although it was not our first visit. Our first visit was more of a stand around yelling at each other while drinking sort of affair. It turns out this one wouldn’t be too much different.

You won’t yell at your friends or dining partners because you’re angry, you’ll yell at them because it is really damned loud in there. You won’t appreciate the renovation to the space immediately because there’ll be some alt-rock blasting you in the face.

Once you’re over that, the one neatly dressed hostess will ask if you would like one of the high chairs in the bar or if you’d like to wait about 40 minutes. We took the high chairs.

Fitting the ‘bare-steraunt? theme the menu is half and half drinks and food. Dishes are mostly in the too small to call real so re-market them as share plates sizes.

Since we’re in the bar section, that means that one of the running bar tenders has meal and drink duties at the same time. We wonder then why he isn’t allowed to use the sloppy tie uniforms inflicted on the table staff.

The cocktails are good. Fresh ingredients, not full of stupid ice chips, not fifteen dollars. She’s particularly fond of the Lightning Bug – cute and delicious, just like real life!

Specials are written chalkboard style behind the bar, but it is hard to know if Oysters Granite Flatbread is one, two or three dishes.

We have a plate of unexceptional but parasite free oysters from Maine. That is all the information available. That being said, the cucumber and strawberry icy aforementioned granite was perfect for this miserable heat.

Beyond that we also took on a ceviche style shrimp salad and chips, that again although somewhat a citrus mango punch in the face was a decent size to share. Although spicy, it was not hot.

To keep going, we finished off with the bone marrow plate. I appreciate what’s going on with this in that it’s really a slightly burnt butter like fat spread and some overdone toast served up with some slimy onions designed to end any evening in anything other than making smack smack with faces. Oh, that didn’t come out very well. Rather I quite enjoyed this dish even though once again there were no hints of anything in it.

Overall, what to say? Sure it’s a drinking place and the food is really kind of secondary. However, even with that in mind it wasn’t bad for bar food. It’s just there was absolutely nothing subtle about everything. Each plate is really like a lawnmower for your palate, more Megan Fox than Emmanuelle Chiriqui.

Of course the complimentary valet is standing in my open door expecting me to tip him. Of course, I could except that my hands are busy trying to re-adjust my seat so I can get to the controls.

Why here and why now?

It has been a few years since our first visit to Dallas. As I recall on one of our first trips here we had dinner at Hibiscus. It was rather late, but one of the wait staff gave us chocolate cake at Sense.

At the time, Dallas struck me as a young, dynamic city. It seemed then one with little regard for its’ own history perhaps as its’ fabric or peril. Either way, I was also impressed with the greasy types, strange fake tans and people’s obsessions with sports analogies. I liked the potential for downtown. At this address they’ve changes the tablecloths, but the taps are still in the same places.

There’s been a lot of travel lately and it looks like the foreseeable future may very well see the Dallas chapters coming to an end. Stay posted and see if I can eat my way out of DFW…

On Victor Tango's

Posted on January 9, 2009 at 11:55 p.m.

Food: 1/5  Vibe: 5/5  Service: 3/5  Value: 2/5  Overall: 1/5

Now we’re getting somewhere. Much like with the barbeque joint, I’ve driven by here a couple of times and thought now THAT’S a dive! Truly I've found a worthy dive on my expeditions.

This is another mid-day event as I pull up on the west side of Wimpy’s Famous Hamburgers. I mean both Wimpy and famous at the same time? Fantastic.

The menu is written in sharpie on a variety of pieces of cardboard taped to the inside of the window around the ordering station. The high value item is the whole catfish for eight dollars. They don’t specify how it is prepared, if at all, and I’m not prepared to find out.

To order, the guy inside actually has to take the screen off the window to talk and take your money. He’s very pleasant and doesn’t give me 5 ones on my change for a ten, so I’m ok with his attitude. I go for another cheeseburger and fries. Once again, there no exotic toppings here, although they do ask if I want mayo. I never really noticed that trend much before.

Well, Wimpy’s sits on fine lines between a restaurant, drive in, all out dive and maybe worse. There’s not really apparently any place to sit inside, or at least not one I was invited to. Instead there’s a plastic table and three chairs directly outside the ordering window.

Looking around is pretty depressing. On the left there are a bunch of really broken down houses behind an ‘A/C repair for $45’ shop and across the street there’s some boarded up unisex beauty salon beside a beat up vacant lot. However, the lot is not totally vacant as I notice there’s a green port-a-potty in the middle of it. Now, there’s no construction or anything nearby and while I’m just kind of looking around, some guy comes out of it! Then he wipes his hands on his shirt and starts kind of ambling down the sidewalk. I don’t know any port-a-potties that have sinks, so I was somewhat nervous that the portable toilet was actually the bathroom for the restaurant and that guy was the cook, but thankfully he didn’t take a position at the grill.

With this appreciation for my environment, I realized this was the kind of place where I could see the story “Project director goes missing at lunch” coming true. Then some devious manager of mine who’s probably helping herself to some of my discretionary resources will try and lay the blame on me for her abuse of funds, but I won’t be on the beach in Bermuda, I’ll be in a freezer in that grey house over there! Well, I decide I’m not going down without a fight, so I keep my eyes on the other customers.

The first guy looks like Ed Gein’s retarded second cousin. Although I’m sure he would murder for sustenance and entertainment, he looks doughy enough that speed could be my defense.

The next customers are a pair hauling a wheeled cart down the sidewalk. They yell at each other about wanting hamburgers and approach the window. The guy inside steps up to the window and turns irate about the nearly two dollar price of a burger ‘without no fries or nothin!’ The woman is mad at him and the guy in the window about the price and starts stomping her feet and kicking rocks on to the street. The TCM fellow looks kind of amused by this and I imagine at any time he might whip out a jug or a washboard to provide a soundtrack.

Then I realize it really isn’t all that different than being downtown except down on Main it would be some skinny bitch in new Swarovski A-pockets complaining about how the valet made her 2006 SLK smell like chiminichangas. Over here we have this woman dressed in a teddy bear print sweater covered in blue Kool Aid stains who’s unhappy about a two dollar burger. I guess it’s hard to keep Dallas women happy.

In any case, they move on, apparently to get chicken instead.

I manage to acquire my burger and fries without incident. They are wrapped in a brown bag which balances reasonably well in to one hand. Inside, they also wrapped the ketchup packets along with some salt and pepper within the napkins. Kind of nice thinking, there. Someone put some thought in to something…sometime.

The fries are the same cruddy skinny fries I’ve been getting everywhere, so after trying a confirmatory bite, I just toss the rest.

The burger bun doesn’t look nor smell too bad and it appears to have been very lightly toasted. Not bad, not bad. The cheese and veg are once again the same processed but not quite rotten style plant and animal products.

The burger meat itself is pretty much what I expected. I imagine it is probably horse toenails and chicken spinal cords mixed up with some recycled tires and sprinkled with cow sweat glands to call it beef. However, it’s not far off from the competition so far.

Overall, I’m giving this place a five on the vibe for sure. It’s beyond dive right in to dump. It’s also one of the few places where I can say that at least fleetingly I was pretty sure I was going to get carjacked. You just can’t manufacture that for franchising.

So now I am going to watch the 2006 Victoria’s Secret fashion show with the David Guetta backup to inspire me to eat tofu and crack open Traktor for the weekend. Until next time~

On Wimpy's Hamburgers

Posted on January 9, 2009 at 11:46 p.m.

Food: 3/5  Vibe: 2/5  Service: 2/5  Value: 2/5  Overall: 3/5

We’ve driven by here a bunch of times and I can’t imagine they are open so late. I never really want to be down here at like 1:30 AM, but I can’t think of another barbeque place open to such hours. Immediately I think ‘front for xxx’ kind of like that pizza place on Wycliff, but maybe I’m totally wrong. An investigation ensues.

I head down here midway through the day. There’s a decent number of vehicles parked outside which lends some potential credibility to the food indoors. Also, the smoke smells somewhat appetizing.

It’s a little confusing to know what to do at first. There is a long bar in the front, with two tills. In the middle there’s a surly looking guy leaning over a case of steaming.…..things and another till on the right. I decide the right is for the barbeque. Since we’re on the quest for dive-y burger sorts of things I figure I’ll go for a chopped beef sandwich and some potato salad.

The girl at the right hand till really likes it if you have exact change and the totals all seem to be strange integers, so there’s lots of fussing for dimes and pennies. With the jaunty, no Jante , tilt of her Ed Hardy hat, I half way expect the finger snapping to start at any second.

How about this establishment? Dive? Well, there are two very large signs outside clearly stating that you should not expect service unless you have appropriate attire, such as a shirt and shoes. Pants optional, apparently. Inside, there are more signs including several “no alcohol, no firearms” proclamations. I guess you can’t get nor bring them. In conclusion, if you’re drunk, naked and brandishing a sawed off over-under shotgun, you’re likely to be politely asked to leave.

There are some articles on the wall presumably about the history of the place, but I stay in my seat because I imagine there’s a “no reading the signs” sign somewhere. Otherwise, the crowd is pretty much what you would expect. I may be just petite, but I am about 200 pounds under the mean weight of the customers nearby.

The guy in the middle is taking orders from his station that includes a variety of gelatinous looking things. I don’t really know how it works, but it looks like you basically just point at whatever you want and he slops it in to a Styrofoam container for you. I’ve never seen the appeal in collared greens, but kudos on the ox tail!

My order is ready to go, so inspection first! The sandwich is wedged in to a foil wrapper in a fairly sauce safe fold. The potato salad comes in a Styrofoam container on the side. There’s also a topper style container of sauce.

Overall, it’s ok, but it’s nowhere near as smoky as I would have liked or expected. I would have thought that with all the wood burning going on this would have a real deep, rich smoke to the meat that you can taste when you exhale, but it is really more subtle than that. Good, better, depends.

The potato salad was gone before I knew it. It wasn’t because it was awesome, but the texture was a little different than I expected. In general, I think of potato salad with chunks, but this was blended as to be manageable for dysphagic and edentulous individuals. Not a bad mustard flavo(u)r, but nothing outstanding. My spoon just went all the way to the bottom before I found any food.

So, dive? Sure. Awesome? Nah, ok.

Yeah as I leave someone asks me for change. He’s being literal.

On Odom's Bar-B-Que

Posted on January 9, 2009 at 11:42 p.m.

Food: 2/5  Vibe: 2/5  Service: 3/5  Value: 3/5  Overall: 2/5

With all this 'dives' talk, I thought it was about time to take it to the streets.

What’s country about this particular establishment? Well, they have wagon wheels propped up in the window. Real wooden looking ones, too, not the dreaded marshmallow treats. There’s a drive through as well which appears to have an intercom system that was absolutely state of the art in about 1978. So, I suppose it isn’t so much a drive-in as thru.

Is it a dive, though? Well, I would say yes. Inside, the menus are posted on the plastic lightboards with black block letters. The cleanliness of the restaurant as a whole ranks somewhere around D-. The staff look like model renderings for early drafts of characters in a Grand Theft Auto game.

Since we’re on a burger related mission, I order the straight ahead cheese burger and fries. It takes a couple of tries before I realize the guy is asking me if I want mayo on it. I say sure, why not? This isn’t the sort of place you’re likely to find Napa Valley Chevre soaked olive skins for toppings, so it’s ok. They do have a fairly large number of menu items. Most of which surround the burger theme. Fitting, I suppose.

No booze available thanks to all the whacked out sex and alcohol laws around here.

How about it? Well, the bun looks kind of fresh. I mean there is a Tom Thumb basically right next door after all. The lettuce, onions and tomatoes appear totally bag, but they smell like vegetables so I don’t think they’ve expired too long ago. I suspect the cheese was a perfect square! Fun for geometry!

The fries are McCain level skinny again. I’m not a huge fan of this style, but since higher end burger places are serving them, maybe these guys are out to emulate.

The actual burger meat is a pretty disgusting looking thing overall in that it is a lightish shade of death with hints of grey. It’s about a centimeter thick. That’s not all bad, I imagine, because keeping it thin should minimize the size of any bones or pieces of glass you might eat.

It’s hot, the fries are a little crispy and put together it’s about five bucks. They’ve got a variety of combinations available, so if you just wanted to eat some generic burger across the street from a strip mall, this should fit the bill.

On Country Burger (Dallas)